Short Story
              Alas: The Wonderful Sound of Nature
                                                                     By Christian Riley


     Runka, runka, runka...

     "Here come the wash-boards."

     "Yeah...I've heard it's best to just gun it down these roads."

     "Oh...Huh, huh...Well, not in this old truck it ain't."

     Runka, runka, runka...

     "Look out for that pothole!"

     Boowhump!

     "Easy boy...I know what I'm doing."

     "Yeah.  So how long have you been coming out here anyways, Bob?"

     "Five years now."

     "And what's the biggest fish you caught...I forgot?"

     "Forty-eight pound King Salmon...last year."

     "Whhheeeewww.”

     "As I was saying...you ain't never gonna find a better place to fish in all of
British Columbia...than this here lake."

     "So you said already.  But get back to that story about you and Leanne...
and the hot-tub."

     "Listen to you.  Dirty ol' Sam...Hyuk, hyuk."

     "That's right.  And don't forget the details."

     Screeeeeeck, scrit, scrit, screee...

     "Ouch...there goes the paint job."

                                                             ***

     Crump, crump, shwoop, crump...smif-smif, smif...pwoof!  Crump, crump,
slosh, sloop...sploosh...glulp, glulp, glulp...pwoof!

                                                             ***

     Bllgh, bllgh...hissssss....

     "Well...this is it."

     "About time.  You weren't kidding man...this place is in the boonies!"

     Screak........Creak...

     "Whoa...it's cold out here.”

     "Yeah...but you'll warm up quick enough...once we start walking."

     "Well...let's hurry then...besides, it'll be getting dark soon...won't it?"

     "Relax Sam...it's only two short miles to the cabin."

     "Uh, huh..."

     "Hah, ha, ha....And here I thought you were some kind of mountain man,
with all that talk of yours at work and all."

     "No, I just don't want us getting lost...that's all."

     "Well then just stick with me...o'l Bob here ain't getting lost."

     "Are you sure there's enough food up there...in the cabin?"

     "Sam...tomorrow morning I'm gonna make you the biggest cheese-omelet
you've ever seen."

     "Right...heh, heh...well...I guess I'll be fine with that."

     "But make sure you got all your stuff...'cause we ain't coming back here in
the middle of the night."

     Thumpf!

     "You ready?"

     Squaalick.

     "I guess."

                                                             ***

     Fluump, fluump, fluump...sploosh, splosh, fluump...crick, fluump...smif-
sniff...pwuuf!  
Caw! Whut-whut-whut-whut...Cra-caaaw-caw...

     Rrrraaoouuugh...!

     ...Flump, flomp, pwoooh!

                                                             ***

     "So what about you, Sam?"

     "What about me?"

     "You seem to be pretty friendly with Alicia.  Got any good stories about
that?"

     Sqrishh, sqrishh, squoosh...

     "Man, I wish.  She's just a big tease...got some boyfriend in the Navy, I
guess."

     "Eh? Well those are the best ones to get."

     "Oh yeah...how so?"

     Sqrishh, sqrishh, sqrishh...

     "Because...they always get so damn horny when their men are on leave."

     "Well...I don't know..."

     "I do."

     Sqrishh, squoosh, squoosh, squashh...

                                                             ***

     Smif-niff...grrou...sploosh...snif-nif-niff............splish-splash-sploosh-spla-
shhh-wump!
Swisha-swisha-swisha-swoooo....

     Rooarrr...!

                                                             ***

     "Whew...eh, eh...I guess I've gained some weight since I've been up here
last..."

     Sqrishh......sqrishh......sqrishh......

     "You guess?  How much do you weigh now, Bob?"

     "About two-hundred."

     "Sheeeee...or maybe two-thirty."

     "You're one to talk...eh, eh,...what do you weigh?"

     "Hey, I never said I wasn't fat...I know I need to lose some weight."

     "That's right.  Sqrish......sqrish......sqrish......Well anyways...huh, huh...
we're almost half-way there...the lake is just over that hill."

                                                             ***

     Croolump, crump, sploosh, crump...sniff...smif-smiff...crump!

                                                             ***

     "Wow...you weren't kidding, Bob."

     "Eh...huh, huh...whew...That's right..."

     "This place is gorgeous!  Nice and glassy...huge beach...and just look at
that sunset as it bleeds onto the water through them trees."

     "Yeah...huh, huh...heh?  Bleed on the water...?  What are you...some
fucking poet?"

     "Hey man...so I have a way with words.  Which way to the cabin?"

     "Just hold your horses...we're only half-way there...I need to sit down and
catch my breath."

     Crump, clump, splunk-sploosh-clump...snif-smif........

     "Hey Bob...what's that over there?"

     "Huh...?"

     "What is that...over there in the water, by those rocks...?  You see it?"

     "Ahhh...yeah...looks like a...bear to me."

     Snif-smiff...

     "That's a pretty fucking big bear, Bob..."

     "Yeah...I suppose..."

     "I think we better get going..."

     Sniff-smif-smif-smif...

     "...'cause I think he sees us."

     "Just relax, it's only a bear..."

     Clump, clump...snif-smiff...

     "Relax?  Dude, let's get going...I'm starting to get nervous."

     "No, I'm serious...they can smell fear...if you just..."

     Clump, crump, clump, crump...

     "Look!  He's coming toward us Bob!"

     "Hold on, hold on!  Sam...ahh...don't move."

     "Dude, you're fucking crazy man...that thing is coming over here..."

     Clump, crump, clump, clump...crump...! Sniff-smiff...

     "See...he just stopped.........curious...that's all."

     "Yeah...I still don't like it...c'mon, let's get going."

     "Okay, but just don't...don't move too fast...he might get..."

     Sma-poof...!  Clump, crump, clump, crumpidy-clump, crumpidy clump,
crump-crump...

     "Oh shit Bob, here he comes again...man, I don't like this!"

     Crumpidy-crump...crump...clump..crump, crump, crump...qwalumpf...
qwalumpf, QWALUMPF,

     QWALUMPF...Urrumf-snorgh!

     "Now he's running at us Bob!  Bob...?"

     "Ahhh....uhh...."

     "Oh my God...let's get the fuck out of here...!"

     "No, don't......not s'posed to run...."

     "FUCK YOU BOB...!  He's almost here!"

     QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF!

     "I'm outta here!"

     "Uhhh....yeah...huh, huh...let's go...run!"

     Clopidy-clop, clip-clop..."huff-ah, huff-ah,"...clopidy-clop...

     QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF!

     "Come on Bob!  Keep up man...he's gaining on us!"

     "Ooohhhiieeeh...huh, huh,huh..."

     QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF...Snuhggrrr...

     "Oh my God...Bob...Bob...BOB!

     GUURROOAURGH...!! Shwoop...fripp...grungor-Roarr!!

     "...AHHH...!!  My leg!  He's got my leg...Sam help me!!"

     "Oh no, Bob! Get up...punch him...fight back Bob!"

     ROARGH!! Snip-krick-shriggle-bloggle-rabble-runkle...GULWRAOAR!!!

     "...Uhhh..iieee...oohh...he...Heellp...!"

     "Lord...huh, huh, huh...this isn't happening....not Bob, no.  HELP!  
SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!"

     Rungle-graggle...gulp, gulp, gulp...

     "Oh help...he's eating me Sam...!  Help me for Christ's-sake!"

     SHWULSH...crick!

     "...ughhh..."

     Chomp-cronch, om-nom-nom, om-nom-nom...snorgle-snoggle...chomp-
cronch, om-nom-nom...

     "Oh God, this isn't happening...Bob, he's eating you....!  Bob...?  Ohhh...
eeee.... I'm gonna be...bWUGH-quisshhh..."

     ...plip-plip-plop-plip...

     Om-nom-nom, om-nom-nom...CRaunch...om-nom-nom...

     "Run...huh, huh...I've gotta run...Oh God, this isn't happening....Bob...."

                                                             ***

     "Huh-huh-uh-huh...whewwwww..........NO.....! Keys.....!  Oh my God, no
fucking WAY...!"

     Crump, clump, crump, clump....

     "I can't go back there....!  What am I gonna do...?  Whaaaahaaahaaa....."

     Crump, clump, sqrish-sqoush, crump, slump...smiff-snif...

     "Wait...! Huff-huff...Maybe he hid a spare...."

     Smiff-smiff...Boulump, crulump, crump...qwahlump, qwahlump,
QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF, QWALUMPF!

     "Oh no...God, NO...!  Get away from me...!"

     GRUULARRRR!!!

     

The End
                            
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