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By Gina Fazio
He just sat there holding the razor. He gripped it tightly, as if afraid it would
run away from him if it had the chance. His hands were sweaty, so he felt the
razor almost slip out a few times, but he kept a firm hold on it. He liked this razor
more than the knife. The knife was okay, but it tended to leave more visible
scars, and that he didn't like. Not at all. The razor left scars, too, but not as
obvious. Yes, the razor suited him best.
His long, yellow-blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail today. He usually let it
hang loose most of the time, but not today. He wanted the hair away from his
face so he could see better what he was doing. He had to be meticulous, after
all. No room for sloppiness, otherwise people would see and that's the last thing
he wanted - people to see.
Thoughts raced through his mind. Where had the time gone? It was only
yesterday he was with the most beautiful woman he had ever known. They had
grown to love each other so quickly, perhaps too quickly. She had made him
feel so special, so unique, but then, when she knew she had him, that's when the
torture began. She always seemed so loving, so gentle, but her true nature
came out soon enough. As soon as she realized he would've done anything for
her, that's when she began inflicting the pain. She loved to use a wide
assortment of objects: household appliances, power tools ..whatever was
handy ...even her own hands at times. She loved smacking him across the
face, especially when she was wearing rings on her fingers, all the better to
scrape his smooth, angelic face with.
He winced as this memory played out in his head. One time, she had grabbed
him by the hair & repeatedly banged his head against the floor. Shit, how that
had hurt! He could never understand the joy she received from doing awful
things to him. He was always so loyal, gentle and tender towards her. But, he
realized he must have done something to deserve such treatment. After all, his
own father had beaten him when he was just a baby, so why not someone else?
He obviously was a bad person from birth and bad people get punished, so it
was all justified. He was learning to accept it.
The "beater" eventually dumped him, though, which was a good thing because
he never would have dumped her. He hated hurting people in any way, so
dumping girlfriends was out of the question, even if things they did really started
to scare him and cause him great physical pain.
He smiled as he sat and thought of his new girlfriend. Now this one was a
keeper! Granted, she did verbally and mentally torture him, but at least that was
better than getting a beating every night. He could much more easily handle
being put down, ridiculed and controlled on a daily basis. Words didn't hurt as
much as physical pain. Or did they? He wasn't sure anymore. Oh, he was so
confused! But, true love means pain of some kind, right? And he did deserve it,
so why was he even second-guessing himself here? Did he really think there
was a girl out there who would love him for him and not use him in her torture
games? No such girl existed and if she did, he certainly didn't
deserve her. No, he was meant to be punished for all eternity.
A single tear ran down his cheek. His electric blue eyes became glassy,
unfocused. He fiddled with the razor in his hands before taking a deep breath
and slicing it along the under part of his arm. Oooh ..that felt so good!
Such a release. He exhaled and continued to slice his arm open, wider and
wider. As the blood flowed, he felt his emotional pain draining from him. The
other numerous cuts on his arm were nothing compared to this one. He had
been too frightened to cut so deeply before, but now he summoned his courage
He fell back onto the bed as the razor fell from his hand. Crimson blood stained
his black t-shirt and spilled further down onto his jeans. He could feel his heart
rate getting slower and slower as his veins pumped the blood out faster and
faster. The vibrant blue eyes that had once been so full of life, so full of wonder,
now slowly closed. As the world became dark around him, he had only one
thought ...peace at last.