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By Robert Freese
“Close the Beaches!!!”
First Look Entertainment/ 95 min/ 2004
Dir. Daniel Grodnik
“Your deepest fears lie below the surface.”
Government experimentation with DNA tampering results in a pack of sharks
created to sniff out bombs and infiltrate enemy waterways. When the pack gets
loose, estranged husband and wife scientists Marla and Nathan Collins (Dedee
Pfeiffer and Randall Batinkoff) race down the coast warning water logged surf dogs
and bimbo beach bunnies to get their tanned behinds out of the water. Since the
film is played more for camp value than genuine scares, the crappy, cartoon CG
sharks do not ruin the fun. Shark highlights include a surfer noshed off her boat, a
simple minded, ample chested sorority sister being ate and a little girl whose
picture is ruined when a frisky shark jumps out of the water and says “cheese.”
Dumb fun when you’re in a mood for silly shark shenanigans.
DEEP BLUE SEA
Warner Bros. / 105 min/ 1999
Dir. Renny Harlin
“Welcome to the endangered species list.”
Scientists living under the sea in Aquatica use genetically altered, deadly sharks in
an attempt to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. When the smart sharks become
disgruntled, they attack during a storm, trap a number of people underwater and
then it is open season on anything moving on two legs. Sam Jackson is on hand to
be featured in the film’s one shock sequence. Thomas Jan as Carter Blake and LL
Cool J as spiritual cook Sherman “Preacher” Dudley do what they can to save the
day. It’s from Renny Harlin, so you know it will be loud, fast paced and you will
absolutely not need your brain to enjoy.
JAWS 2
Universal/ 117 min/ 1978
Dir. Jeannot Szwarc
“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…”
Direct sequel to the Spielberg classic takes place on Amity Island a few years later
with another mechanical shark terrorizing the islanders, including Police Chief
Martin Brody’s (Roy Scheider) teenage son Michael (Mark Gruner) and his pack of
beach bum friends. Just like in the first one, the constipated looking town fathers
refuse to listen to Brody’s big fish stories. By the time enough swimmers have fed
the giant beast, Mike and his friends are trapped out by the old lighthouse and it’s
up to Chief Brody to save the lunkheads. A personal favorite of mine, JAWS 2 is
one of the finest of the JAWS-inspired rip-off flicks made in the wake of the original
film’s success. One suspenseful scene has Brody finding a chard corpse in the
surf and when the mechanical shark eats a helicopter. Flick is memorable for early
appearances by the great Keith Gordon (CHRISTINE, DRESSED TO KILL) and
Donna Wilkes (ANGEL, SCHIZOID). A thoroughly enjoyable giant fish attack flick.
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Universal/ 99 min/ 1983
Dir. Joe Alves
“The third dimension is terror.”
At Florida’s Sea World, Michael Brody (Dennis Quaid) takes part in obtaining the first ever great white
mechanical shark for captivity. He and marine biologist squeeze Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong) try to keep
the mechanical great white alive only to discover it is a baby. Momma great white breaks into the park to find
her baby, and traps a number of tourists in an underwater attraction. Big game hunter Philip FitzRoyce (Simon
MacCorkindale) is on hand to try and help draw the deadly giant beast out of the park. Without a doubt, JAWS
3-D is the greatest JAWS rip-off of all time. When screened in wonderful three-dimension, all manner of sea life
jumps right off the screen into your lap. Sure, the mechanical shark is pretty bad, but it blows up real good in
the end. Empty headed but fun.
JAWS: THE REVENGE
Universal/ 91 min/ 1987
Dir. Joseph Sargent
“This time it’s personal!”
Crashing Amity Island during Christmas, another mechanical shark goes on a rampage and claims the life of
town deputy Sean Brody (Mitchell Anderson). Maniacal mom Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) feels that the shark
that killed her son is the same shark that gave her husband, former Amity sheriff Martin Brody (Roy Scheider), a
fatal heart attack (?). Oldest son Michael (Lance Guest) convinces his mother to move with his family to the
Bahamas where he is a boring marine biologist. In one of the most amazingly convoluted plot twists in the
history of motion pictures, the mechanical shark that killed Sean travels to the tropical paradise to finish off the
rest of the Brody clan!!! This is possibly one of the stupidest movies ever made. To its credit it does create
some nice moody atmosphere in the opening moments during Sean’s attack, but it all goes down the crapper
from there. Mario Van Peebles plays Jake, Michael’s partner, who actually survives a full body munch by the
mechanical beastie. A pathetic time waster that really does not deserve to exist.
MEGALODON
Monarch Video/ 90 min/ 2004
Dir. Pat Corbitt
“Sixty Feet of Prehistoric Terror!”
Bone-headed deep sea drillers working for the Nexecon Petroleum company release a crappy looking, computer-
generated prehistoric Megalodon shark that traps them in their giant underwater compound, Colossus. Bad
news since news sleuth Christen Giddings (Leighanne Littrell) is visiting Colossus to find out how safe the drilling
rig really is. Will anyone survive the savage attack? Does anyone really care? This flick looks good but doesn’t
generate any really suspense or fear for the characters or their situation. Twelve minutes of the overall running
time is made up of opening and closing credits. Don’t waste your time with this one.
OPEN WATER
Lions Gate/ 81 min/ 2003
Dir. Chris Kentis
“Don’t get left behind.”
Upwardly mobile yuppie couple travel to an island for a vacation getaway from their grinding work schedules.
When they go out on a diving expedition, they unexpectedly get left behind. Treading water until help arrives,
the couple encounter a pack of curious, hungry sharks. Tense, nail-biting, gut-wrenchingly brutal- OPEN
WATER is no doubt the scariest shark movie since the original JAWS. Once the characters are left stranded
and vulnerable, you know bad things are going to happen to them. The final moments are nerve shattering.
What makes this tale all the more terrorizing is that is it based on a true story. Brilliantly filmed on a tiny budget,
OPEN WATER qualifies as a “must see”.
RAGING SHARKS
Platinum/ 92 min/ 2005
Dir. Danny Lerner
“You can swim, but you can’t hide.”
Great white sharks hopped up on alien-crank attack losers at the underwater sea laboratory Oceania. Dr. Mike
Olsen (Corin Nemec) has to brave the waters to save his wife Linda (Vanessa Angel) and colleagues. This will
be ninety-two of the longest minutes of you life if you hunker down to watch this wretched trash. It is derivative
of the last half dozen cheesy shark fests released straight to video in the last couple years, minus the fun. For
as much as I enjoy brainless creature features, this flat-lining loser is a complete waste of time.
RED WATER
Sony/ 92 min/ 2003
Dir. Charles Robert Carner
“Fear strikes when you least expect it.”
John Sanders (Lou Diamond Phillips) and Kelli Raymond (Kristy Swanson) try to stop a freshwater shark from
eating Cajun swamp rats around Louisiana. Coolio shows up as gangsta Ice. This is a pretty awful shark attack
flick that is redeemed only in its final moments when Big Lou tricks the shark into deep-throating a giant drilling
auger. Made for TV and totally forgettable.
SHARK ATTACK
Trimark/ 95 min/ 1999
Dir. Bob Misiorowski
“There’s blood in the water.”
An African fishing village is besieged by vicious shark attacks. Lunk-head scientist Steven McKray (Casper Van
Dien) is sent down to check out the trouble. McKray and hot babe Corinne DeSantis (Jenny McShane) discover
the local shark population has been tampered with and have reverted back to their primal state- eat and
destroy! Will McKray save the day? Probably. An okay shark amuck flick with lots of actual shark footage
mixed in with the mechanical shark footage. It spawned a classic cheese-ball monster shark series.
SHARK ATTACK II
Trimark/ 93 min/ 2000
Dir. David Worth
“In the deep blue sea, there lives a dark secret.”
More science goes awry when mutated great whites run rampant and eat swimmers in spectacularly gory
fashion. Nick West (Thorsten Kaye) is the shark doc for a giant sea-side aquarium who is sent out to capture a
great white to put on display. (Did these people learn nothing from JAWS 3-D?) West teams with shark hating
hottie Samantha Sharp (Nikita Ager) and Australian shark hunter Roy Bishop (Daniel Alexander) to exterminate
the vicious man eaters. Highlights include a roaring great white attacking a toy boat near the docks and the
captured shark noshing on an unlucky lab assistant to an audience of old people and little kids. Sure, it’s stupid,
but I liked it. Give it a watch when there’s nothing else worth watching.
SHARK ATTACK III: MEGALODON
Lions Gate/ 94 min/ 2002
Dir. David Worth
“The terror has surfaced.”
A prehistoric, giant sized Megalodon Great White is released and driven crazy by underwater electrical lines.
Grinning sea idiot Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) and gal pal Cataline Stone (Jenny McShane) go against the
oversized fish. The final moments when the giant shark eats a yachting party of rich people is fabulously over
the top and entertaining. One guy on a jet ski actually drives into the shark’s mouth! None of this hokum is
particularly scary, but as far as cheesy, campy fun is concerned, this is the best of the cheapjack SHARK
ATTACK series. McShane returns from the first film but plays a different character. This would probably be
even more fun after a cold six pack of imported beer.
SHARK ZONE
DEJ Productions/ 91 min/ 2003
Dir. Danny Lerner
“Terror has surfaced.”
After witnessing his father and a group of tourists eaten by a pack of Great Whites, Jimmy Wagner (Dean
Cochran) suffers bizarre dreams and stays out of the water. When Great Whites begin snacking on swimmers,
Jimmy tries to close the beaches. All the while, slime-ball Russian Volkoff (Velizar Binov) attempts to hire expert
diver Jimbo to take a team out to a sunken ship that supposedly holds a stash of diamonds. Not a bad shark
nosh flick that packs in some gore and bare boobies. Cochran makes for an okay, if mostly ineffectual and slow
thinking, hero. Jimmy’s final nightmare, the flick’s twist ending which takes place on a cruise ship, must be seen
to be disbelieved. Worth a watch on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK
Paramount/ 89 min/ 2005
Dir. Paul Shapiro
“This year, spring break really bites!”
Brain-dead, beer guzzling frat geeks and sorority nits storm the South African Florida beaches searching out
hook-ups and wet t-shirt contests. Unbeknownst to all, a local entrepreneur is chumming the waters to help
drive the week long tourist boost down the beach toward his bar. Hungry sharks make the scene and feast on
the lard-assed jocks and anorexic beauty queens. Empty headed tripe plays partially like an MTV teen drama
but does have one great moment when dozens of fins are shown cutting the waves and heading toward a
veritable buffet of sun worshippers and swimmers. A harmless way to kill an hour and a half, flick turned out to
be a ratings winner when it premiered.
TINTORERA
Desert Mountain Media/ 126 min/ 1977
Dir. Rene Cardona Jr.
“There’s a monstrous killer churning up the sea…Tintoreara…Bloody waters!”
Stiff as a board Esteban (Hugo Stiglitz) goes on an extended holiday to dry out from his high stress job. Esteban
meets beach gigolo Miguel (Andres Garcia) and learns to enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle of bedding down numerous
beautiful women. Esteban and Miguel engage in a three-way marriage with swinging Gabriella (Susan George)
and life is good until Miguel is attacked and killed by a vicious tiger shark. Esteban goes hunting for the title
Tintorera (tiger shark) seeking vengeance for his friend. TINTORERA is a JAWS cash-in that spends more time
on our heroes’ bedroom antics than it does on thrilling shark attacks. Lead actor Stiglitz barely shows any
emotion while on screen. He literally looks like a piece of set dressing until he finally moves or mumbles a line of
dialog. Not a bad time killer though. With Fiona Lewis and Priscilla Barnes.